i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
