I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
