I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
