I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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