i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
