Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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