Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
