Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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