Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
