I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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