Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
