Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
