i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
