the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
tell your sister to shave her snatch
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
