what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
