I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
