I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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