he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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