Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
