my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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