you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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