Yo dont text me then not text me
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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