ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
