True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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