Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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