I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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