my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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