I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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