I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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