How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
