Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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