last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
