How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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