I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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