This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
