why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
