I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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