dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
