theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
