Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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