that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
