Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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