I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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