Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
This house was built for laser tag.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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