watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
