I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
