We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
