is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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