I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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