I should be sponsored by Trojan
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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